Tuesday, July 22, 2003
My job has been the demise of my existence today. I have a ton of shit to do, the people are driving me up the fucking wall, and there is no reprieve, ever. It figures. I should have expected that it would be like this. Every time I have some extended time off from this shithole, everything seems to fall apart right before I leave. And I even detect some guilt being thrown my way. As though I am not totally deserved in going away on my vacation. Twatmothafuckingever.
Paul and I spent the majority of our evening, last night, fighting. Well, in all honesty, he was amazing for the first three hours, while I was a bitch. I couldn’t shake my bad mood and every time he opened his mouth, I wanted to kill him. He wasn’t doing anything wrong, but the fury and disdain I was feeling manifested itself into an incredibly horrible attitude.
Finally I broke out of my bad mood around 9pm and Paul picked up where I left off. At one point, he got so angry with me that he threw my pillow at me and told me to go to bed. By then I was done with my pouty, selfish, bullshit, and looked at him as though I couldn’t possibly figure out why he was so angry. He screamed and screamed for awhile and I just got into bed. We fell asleep on opposite sides of the bed. I woke up, in the middle of the night, and kissed him on his forehead. He smiled and said “Thank you” and that’s the last thing that we said to each other.
I’m just in one of those moods. I’m stressed out about the vacation, about my job, about how much I have to do. I don’t have time to see the people I want to see and the people I have to see are pissing me off to no end. I feel angry inside. And there is no reason for that. I am about to go away on the best vacation of my life, yet I can’t find a way to get through this fucking irritating week. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAH!
I had pizza for lunch today. It’s been weeks since I did that. You should have heard the debate that was going on in my head about this stupid decision. “Don’t do it Joe. You’ve come too far to ruin your diet with two slices of pizza for lunch.” “Oh just fucking do it. Two slices of pizza will do nothing more than make your mood better.” So I ate the pizza and then got angry at myself when it was finished. Why did I think that drowning my attitude in grease and fat was going to cure anything? Now I’m angry AND bloated AND I have to wear a bathing suit in less than 5 days. Wonderful.
Ahmad and I are supposed to go see Terminator 3 tomorrow night. However, we had a short e-mail exchange today in which he exposed the fact that he is dating a new guy, named Leo. Deep down I want to be happy for him and I want to be happy for me. Ahmad is moving on and it looks as though I won’t have to confront our break-up conversation again. But the petty and ridiculous side of me is pissed off that he is dating someone else. I know it’s not fair and I know that he has done nothing wrong, but with the way I have felt over the past few days, I feel like I could jump on the subway, ride over to his office building, and spit in his face.
Obviously I won’t be spitting in anyone’s face. But I will be canceling our little trip to the movie theater tomorrow night. I just can’t help it. He should ask Leo to go with him.
God, I suck today.
Alright, back to work. I think there is some data entry calling my name and it’s probably best that I take out my aggression on that, rather than on the people in my life that don’t deserve such nonsense.
Hey, we’re all allowed a bad day every now and then, right?
Paul and I spent the majority of our evening, last night, fighting. Well, in all honesty, he was amazing for the first three hours, while I was a bitch. I couldn’t shake my bad mood and every time he opened his mouth, I wanted to kill him. He wasn’t doing anything wrong, but the fury and disdain I was feeling manifested itself into an incredibly horrible attitude.
Finally I broke out of my bad mood around 9pm and Paul picked up where I left off. At one point, he got so angry with me that he threw my pillow at me and told me to go to bed. By then I was done with my pouty, selfish, bullshit, and looked at him as though I couldn’t possibly figure out why he was so angry. He screamed and screamed for awhile and I just got into bed. We fell asleep on opposite sides of the bed. I woke up, in the middle of the night, and kissed him on his forehead. He smiled and said “Thank you” and that’s the last thing that we said to each other.
I’m just in one of those moods. I’m stressed out about the vacation, about my job, about how much I have to do. I don’t have time to see the people I want to see and the people I have to see are pissing me off to no end. I feel angry inside. And there is no reason for that. I am about to go away on the best vacation of my life, yet I can’t find a way to get through this fucking irritating week. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAH!
I had pizza for lunch today. It’s been weeks since I did that. You should have heard the debate that was going on in my head about this stupid decision. “Don’t do it Joe. You’ve come too far to ruin your diet with two slices of pizza for lunch.” “Oh just fucking do it. Two slices of pizza will do nothing more than make your mood better.” So I ate the pizza and then got angry at myself when it was finished. Why did I think that drowning my attitude in grease and fat was going to cure anything? Now I’m angry AND bloated AND I have to wear a bathing suit in less than 5 days. Wonderful.
Ahmad and I are supposed to go see Terminator 3 tomorrow night. However, we had a short e-mail exchange today in which he exposed the fact that he is dating a new guy, named Leo. Deep down I want to be happy for him and I want to be happy for me. Ahmad is moving on and it looks as though I won’t have to confront our break-up conversation again. But the petty and ridiculous side of me is pissed off that he is dating someone else. I know it’s not fair and I know that he has done nothing wrong, but with the way I have felt over the past few days, I feel like I could jump on the subway, ride over to his office building, and spit in his face.
Obviously I won’t be spitting in anyone’s face. But I will be canceling our little trip to the movie theater tomorrow night. I just can’t help it. He should ask Leo to go with him.
God, I suck today.
Alright, back to work. I think there is some data entry calling my name and it’s probably best that I take out my aggression on that, rather than on the people in my life that don’t deserve such nonsense.
Hey, we’re all allowed a bad day every now and then, right?
